Well, you see, it all started when I found this great chappy at Dashiell Orbital this evening. He said that he had, very foolishly, bought more stock than he could fit in his cargo hold and was therefore willing to give me a great rate on a crate of extremely good booze and throw some spare weapons into the bargain!

Great, I thought, this really had the makings of a spectacularly good evening – especially as my new friends at IPEC had entered a civil war with the Empire Pact and wanted all the help they could get in the fight. I don’t think Souvenir was so impressed though, at least if the comms recording is anything to go by:

[Cmdr Al-pocalypse]: Hey, look what I’ve found at the station!

[Cmdr Souvarine]: A crate full of empty bottles? Will you please stop jettisoning cargo at us?

[Cmdr Al-pocalypse]: Sorry, I didn’t mean to. It’s just every switch looks the same after a crate full of fortified wine.

[Cmdr Dexter Vex]: That’s a Port excuse.

[Radio silence]

[Cmdr Al-pocalypse]: No, that’s the right switch. These!


[Cmdr Souvarine]: Great – the token drunk now has enough firepower to vaporise a moon. Vex, you’re a Baron, can’t you have a word with station authorities about allowing him access to the armoury?

[Cmdr Dexter Vex]: What? And spoil the fun? Al, there is an Empire Pact Clipper over there, do you want to test out your new toys?

Well, you see, the thing is – the actual thing is – I know it sounds silly now, but I didn’t realise quite how much damage six rail guns would deal, or how much heat they’d actually produce.

[Cmdr Dexter Vex]: Three shots? You certainly Clipped his wings. Al?

[Cmdr Al-pocalypse]: Oh shit! Shit! Shit! I’m on fire! The ship’s on fire! The fire’s on fire! Everything’s on fire!

[Cmdr Souvarine]: Throw some liquid on it; I’m sure you’ve got plenty of board.

[Cmdr Al-pocalypse]: Arrrrgh! Now the drinks’ cabinet is on fire! Help!

[Cmdr Ronnie Kane]: *sighs* Al-poc, turn your emergency life support on then open your airlock.

[Cmdr Al-pocalypse]: Ahh, phew. Thank you. Say, that was fun. What next?

[Cmdr Souvarine]: Trigger, you are flying a ship that is still distributing its partially molten hull across my freshly polished canopy and you are surviving on emergency life support – yet you want to shoot more. Tell me, were you born mad, achieve madness or has alcohol thrust madness upon you?

Well, at this point, I felt it would be foolish to argue. So I targeted a passing Eagle, which crumpled after the first round. This seemed to impress Vexter and mildly annoy Submarine. Then – well, it seems that my emergency life support caught fire and I had to scarper back to the station.

Unfortunately the station wouldn’t let me relaunch in my ship. Apparently it was a ‘health and safety write-off’ and they charged me 10,000 credits to repair it, insisting that I replace some of the rail guns with beam lasers. I mean, really. Do they think I’m that irresponsible? Some people are no fun.



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